Yin Yang

Posted: October 18, 2010 in modern-day Hippie, random
Tags: ,

Something terrible has happened; I’ve started second guessing myself, which I ultimately believe to be a sign of old age.

What happened to the confident punk kid, bred from hippie freaks? The girl that spoke without thinking, and didn’t regret it for a second? That acted insane and never really cared if she didn’t fit in with the norm? Was I naïve and uncaring of how my strong opinions (and language) would affect people? Or did I assume that my audience would appreciate my untamed (sometimes vulgar) honesty? And when did that free spirit become confined in the scared world of contrite, copasetic speech?

Having children has sped up the decline of my anti-establishment behavior… when every new conversation I have with a mom or teacher sends my brain scrambling for some sort of commonality to relate with them. More often than not, I find myself in the strange circumstance of having nothing to say. Yet, I can somehow spark up a 10 minute conversation with a tattooed stranger at the grocery store about the Black Keys.

I hate feeling alone and unconnected… although, I want to be different and unique. Does everyone feel like this? It’s like, at any moment, the dichotomy of my personality threatens to pull me in half. Do we all perform this balancing act within our own psyche? Which is harder? To live blindly by instincts, or driven to madness with second guesses?

  1. Misti says:

    I second guess many of my current life choices. I mean, living in a motel room isn’t exactly the coolest thing ever. But, at the same time, it is kinda cool. Do you understand what I mean?

    And I keep thinking up all these alternative things to do, another hike, renting a tiny little apartment and just going full fledge with photography, bumming from temporary science/outdoor job to temporary science/outdoor job. Yet the stable, home wanting, child wanting, money in the bank wanting in me is saying no.

    • Sara says:

      I think you live an amazing life Misti! We are on two seperate sides of the equation, but I completely relate (and cherish) your view of life. I guess right now I wish I could just go lay down in the grass and take things slow… It’s a struggle to have escapist thoughts when you have a million responsibilities… But there is beauty in it all!

  2. Cayce says:

    That’s your Gemini Moon talking (or not talking). Split in two: that’s the Gemini duplicity. Gemini is the sign of communication, restlessly gathering information (from a variety of topics), and relaying the information back to others. For you, this is an emotional process (which the moon represents). I suppose it would be odd to not have anything to say. Gemini needs the give & take and the enthusiasm that comes along with it. So I can totally see where you’re coming from here. (And who could find anything in common with those other ladies? You are one of a kind in that regard and that is a really great thing). It’s hard to relate to someone who has zero personality when you are brimming with it yourself. You’re having to hold back your boldness in order to blend with the beige beings! 😉

    • Cayce says:

      And the “escapist thoughts”?…That’s the Pisces. (Okay, I’m done with astro mumbo jumbo, I promise). Seriously, though, I see your pictures of home and family and you inspire me because you’re one of the only people I know that still seems so youthful and COOL after having kids. You’re kids are cool! You just seem to have a charmed life (though I know no one’s life is perfect). You’ve somehow maintained your sense of identity very well and it makes me feel like there’s hope if I decide to have kids (because losing identity is one of my biggest fears with having kids). Anyhow, just wanted to throw that in: I think you’re awesome. 😉

      • Sara says:

        Cayce, you will be an amazing mother, if and when you decide to have kids. You are enchanting, bright, funny and accepting… I think most of my escapist thoughts involve me snatching up my family and going to live in a hippie commune. 😉 I only feel lost because of the fast paced world we live in… I don’t want to think about money and doctors appointments, and all of the mundane rituals of my job, dealing with the other lost and beige individuals along the way. All my joy comes from the beautiful people and places that I escape with everyday… In whatever way I can!

    • Sara says:

      Cayce! I love your knowledge when I am feeling out of place in the world… You always have the perfect way of reflecting upon the window of my soul! How can I feel alone when I have someone as grand as you in my blogosphere? 🙂

  3. Jamie says:

    I completely relate to what you feel. A half of me conforms (or my best attempt at comforming) to the “norms” of motherhood and living the family life, but my independence, untamed honesty, and wild child side still creeps in, and sometimes at the most inopportune times. As they say, life is a juggling act, and I don’t think that phrase just means juggling your work and home life, but also means juggling with your inner self. I’ve told Michael several times that if I wasn’t a working mommy, I’d probably be like Kat Von D but less commercial 🙂

    • Sara says:

      Kat Von D is a badass. I would love to be a tattoo artist, (drawing the tattoos, not the actual tattooing) ha! A friend had asked me to draw up some ideas but I never got around to it… was probably working on some PTA 2D kiddie cartoons. I think now I just care more of what people think of me than I did when I was young. Possibly because I worry about my sons’ own acceptance, and my husbands admiration. I think Cayce is right, that we all should strive to maintain our identity through it all. I think all the ladies that have commented are very special, bold individuals… that I’m very glad to know.

  4. […] serious problem with split personality disorder (but that has already been explained in another blog.) Rereading the aforementioned blog, I now feel like a regurgitating […]

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